Mama’s Shoes

I worked hard the last two years, sorting through my mother’s things.  

I really have.

But the clothes, oh my goodness, the clothes.

When my mother was killed, we took two dumpsters of clothes to Goodwill.

I kept some things for maternity clothes, and then got rid of four bags of that last year when we found out it was Cancer causing the miscarriages.

That was hard.

Last winter I got rid of more of her summer things that I never actually wore or that didn’t fit, and that felt like an accomplishment.

But today I finally had a chance to go through the last of my favorite memory clothes… You know, the ones that don’t really fit and I am not going to really wear, but are ones I have specific memories attached with, even hugs that seem misty now.

It was time.

I was ready.

It stung more than I expected, but I finally dug out the last four bags of clothes that aren’t really mine and don’t bring her back.  Besides, I look like a clown when I try to wear her clothes.

I even got rid of her shoes, even the ones she was wearing that day, even the tennis shoes I always threatened to steal.

But they don’t really fit me, and they aren’t really mine, and she’s not here anymore, not like that.

Maybe that’s what makes it okay now.

I have a testimony now, that she is here, very much here, and she doesn’t need shoes to hang around.

  

About Emily

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since 2009. I serve as a Chaplain, and work as a counselor. I got bilateral cochlear implants in 2010, but will always love sign language. I choose books over television, and organics over processed. Nothing is as close to flying as ballroom dancing - except maybe running, when in the solo mood. I would rather be outside than anywhere else, especially at the river riding my bike or kayaking. PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy, and currently doing a post-doc in Jewish Studies and an MDiv in Pastoral Counseling. The best thing about Emily World is that it's always an adventure, even if (not so) grammatically precise. The only thing better than writing is being married to a writer. Nathan Christensen and I were married in the Oklahoma City temple on 13 October 2012, and have since fostered more than eighty-five children. We have adopted the six who stayed, and are totally and completely and helplessly in love with our family. Nathan writes musical theater, including "Broadcast" (a musical history of the radio) and an adaption of Lois Lowry's "The Giver". He served his mission in South Korea, has taught song-writing in New York City public schools, and worked as a theater critic for a Tucson newspaper. This is not an official Web site of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

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