I have been awake since 4am, and finally got enough tossing and turning in that I had to get up or Nathan wasn’t going to get any sleep.
Still tired, my body is too anxious and restless to sleep, and so I get more tired, which makes me more uncomfortable.
These final countdown days to surgery will be hard, I think.
I am out of things to do that I am able to do, and trying to save my new books and things for the hospital and recovery after. I have tried to think of all the little things I could do. I even made sure the toddler’s nails were clipped (five chews his).
Today I only have to do two things: get my hair cut and fill out the paperwork for ovarian cancer clinical trials.
I am not particularly excited about either of them, and am definitely feeling the impact of yesterday. Since surgery will be soon, I cannot take more alleve, and will just have to feel the pain. It will just be a rough couple of days, and then after surgery I will know what real pain is again!
I do not mean to complain, but I am listless, and anxious. I am not afraid, and not even really worried. I just want to know what’s going on in there and what we are going to do about it, and I can’t know those things until surgery. And I am getting tired of waiting.
Sometimes I just have to get up and walk around, just to be sure I still can and to remind myself that I am okay.
Or, maybe I am a little bit scared.
I went over to Nathan’s parents’ house late last night. I just needed to visit and catch them up on my day. His mom gave me some hats when I told her about my haircut, and we got some more scarves ordered. I have some from Israel already. We looked at wigs online, for if I want one sometime, but mostly I don’t care, I guess, except I don’t want to scare nursery children with my scars.
The sun is coming up, and I can feel it will be a hurting and sleeping kind of day. I want to pace it, though, because these pre-surgery hours with my kids are precious, and they need a dose of normal today. We will see what I can do.
But first, I think I will sit here on the porch for a little while, watching the sun come up, and listening to early morning birds, and just being quiet for a moment.
It was nice this morning, in the quiet when things were hard, to have your sweet comments and messages and emails and notes to read. Many thanks for your encouragements.