Sunrise

I have been awake since 4am, and finally got enough tossing and turning in that I had to get up or Nathan wasn’t going to get any sleep.

Still tired, my body is too anxious and restless to sleep, and so I get more tired, which makes me more uncomfortable.

These final countdown days to surgery will be hard, I think.

I am out of things to do that I am able to do, and trying to save my new books and things for the hospital and recovery after. I have tried to think of all the little things I could do. I even made sure the toddler’s nails were clipped (five chews his).

Today I only have to do two things: get my hair cut and fill out the paperwork for ovarian cancer clinical trials.

I am not particularly excited about either of them, and am definitely feeling the impact of yesterday. Since surgery will be soon, I cannot take more alleve, and will just have to feel the pain. It will just be a rough couple of days, and then after surgery I will know what real pain is again!

I do not mean to complain, but I am listless, and anxious. I am not afraid, and not even really worried. I just want to know what’s going on in there and what we are going to do about it, and I can’t know those things until surgery. And I am getting tired of waiting.

Sometimes I just have to get up and walk around, just to be sure I still can and to remind myself that I am okay.

Or, maybe I am a little bit scared.

I went over to Nathan’s parents’ house late last night. I just needed to visit and catch them up on my day. His mom gave me some hats when I told her about my haircut, and we got some more scarves ordered. I have some from Israel already. We looked at wigs online, for if I want one sometime, but mostly I don’t care, I guess, except I don’t want to scare nursery children with my scars.

The sun is coming up, and I can feel it will be a hurting and sleeping kind of day. I want to pace it, though, because these pre-surgery hours with my kids are precious, and they need a dose of normal today. We will see what I can do.

But first, I think I will sit here on the porch for a little while, watching the sun come up, and listening to early morning birds, and just being quiet for a moment.

It was nice this morning, in the quiet when things were hard, to have your sweet comments and messages and emails and notes to read. Many thanks for your encouragements.

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About Emily

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since 2009. I serve as a Chaplain, and work as a counselor. I got bilateral cochlear implants in 2010, but will always love sign language. I choose books over television, and organics over processed. Nothing is as close to flying as ballroom dancing - except maybe running, when in the solo mood. I would rather be outside than anywhere else, especially at the river riding my bike or kayaking. PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy, and currently doing a post-doc in Jewish Studies and an MDiv in Pastoral Counseling. The best thing about Emily World is that it's always an adventure, even if (not so) grammatically precise. The only thing better than writing is being married to a writer. Nathan Christensen and I were married in the Oklahoma City temple on 13 October 2012, and have since fostered more than eighty-five children. We have adopted the six who stayed, and are totally and completely and helplessly in love with our family. Nathan writes musical theater, including "Broadcast" (a musical history of the radio) and an adaption of Lois Lowry's "The Giver". He served his mission in South Korea, has taught song-writing in New York City public schools, and worked as a theater critic for a Tucson newspaper. This is not an official Web site of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

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