I buried my mother.
We dug the hole, placed her down, and took handfuls of dirt to cover her up.
That is finally done. I felt such a release, that for the first time in anything, I kept my covenants all the way to the very end and really had done all I could do. I felt the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, and how far it had brought us, and how much healing had come.
The burden of grief lifted from me in a new way, and I knew it was finished.
Not that I won’t grieve still, but that I was somehow released from the work of it.
It was such an exhale, and I know the inhale that follows will be the nourishing peace that comes from doing the temple work 5 months from now, and me and my brother being sealed to our parents. I will weep then, differently, for such goodness and peace to be poured upon me. And her. That will be a taste of eternal happiness.
My duty to her now is to live the next 5 months in such a way as to be worthy (by the atonement) to do so, that this final restitution and gift of eternity may be done in her behalf. I am grateful for finally having the focus of being able to act (by living faithfully) rather than being acted upon (the sucker punch of grief itself).
It is time, and as it should be.
It was good to let go of these temporal burdens and assignments, feeling the strength of the atonement having brought such healing to us, and knowing our relationship continues beyond the grave and now becomes eternal.
It is good to feel her progression into peace, even into happiness.
We came home last night, my body being spent after pushing through a hard week. I also felt emotionally spent, but in a very completion kind of way. So we gave the cabin keys to my brother, they took over, and we came home.
Usually we spend Sundays visiting people (with or without the violin), but today is a private and protected resting day after this hard weekend. We will go introduce our kiddo to sacrament at a later ward, my fever having finally broken this morning and my cough starting to phase out. We are grateful for the priesthood, for blessings, and for medicine.
I am grateful for Nathan, who consecrated my mother’s grave.
I watched my boys sleeping this morning, as I wandered in prayer.
I sat in my cozy study chair for my morning scripture study, reading through conference talks after, realizing I am almost finished with the memory verses of the conference ensign.
I can’t believe it is almost September, when we will start adding a conference talk to our evening couple study so that we are prepared for the new talks in October Conference.
Life moves forward so quickly, and I am realizing this year has passed and I didn’t drown.