I saw mom last night, in my sleep, in my dreams, in a vision visitation as I was waking.
Her hair was shorter, and her skin so creamy. She was young and fit andhappy.
That made me happy.
She smiled at me, and we talked, but I could not hug her.
She was bigger, somehow, in an internal way. Taller in stature from not being shrunken by age, tall and lean, like before she had children, but stronger somehow in a way that showed physically. Her spirit was no longer broken and worn out and defeated. She was full of learning and growing and progress, full of be peace she had waited so long for, full of the love of so many, and for so many.
This was her joy: knowing, finally believing, finally feeling, how loved she is.
And I think, being able to see the incredible impact of her own love, which has been so generous and sacrificial.
She looked good! Really good! And happy.
She showed me the scar in her leg where the brake pedal went and shattered her leg, but otherwise we did not talk about the accident this time. She is in some ways free from the physical burdens of mortality that she endured, but also not yet resurrected and longing for it, for our hugs.
Her dogs were with her, Tiger from before I was born, and Noelle from when I was young.
We talked about the things she is learning, personal things for us, and our family. And her best friend Jo. I told her I had not realized how much they had gone through together. I knew they had, but I didn’t realize the timeline went so far back into our histories. Jo was her friend who encouraged mom to go on that first temple road trip I invited her on, and talked mom through our reunion and hard work and re-establishing our friendship and so much healing. There is truth and light there, and I am grateful in a new way for Jo, and grateful that she was there for my mom. Now mom can do things for Jo!
We spent time talking about instructions for Jessica and loving my brother and his family, and a lot of time talking about Nathan and me and our family. We talked about foster care coming up, and about our children, and also visits to her from my family that have already been through the temple. We talked about dad, and his family, and even my stepmother. We talked about President Johnson’s father, and laughed to call him President Monson like she did before (Jessica confused them one, is where that started). She also talked about grandparents of some of the missionaries she had here. We talked about the Savior, and prophets, and the atonement being a law of mercy, and the weight that has come off her as she is covered in forgiveness and not bearing the weight of hurt and resentment for those hurts. These things I recorded in my journal.
But oh! the evidence of the reality of her experiencing this was tangible! She had such strength, like I have never seen. I mean, she has always been one of the strongest people I have ever known, because of all she had endured, and I am grateful this is one of the “goodly parent” things she passed on to me. But this was a strength in which she was confident, such that other things no longer weighed her down as before.
She is learning her freedom, loving the power of love it gives her – the power both to give love, which she has always wanted more than anything, but now for the first time, to also receive love – and know it to be true, real, and for her. It was amazing.
I will not forget that smile, and I wept to see her happy and at peace.