After four months of intensive, marriage immersion research, I can at last conclusively state that I have come to an understanding of women. My sample group has, of necessity, been limited to a single individual, but I think we can safely assume that she is a reasonable surrogate for the gender as a whole.
While the comprehensive details of my research will have to wait for suitable placement in a peer-reviewed journal, I have consented to share on this blog a few highlights from my findings.
1. Women have just one thing on their minds. And that is potatoes. It doesn’t matter what the topic of conversation is: politics, home life, Biblical analysis, or the sweet nothings of love. On some deeper layer of the mind, you will find potatoes. White or sweet; pan-fried in butter, or French fried in whatever French fries are fried in. Further research is required to understand why this is the case.
2. Women get tired, too. This was one of my most unexpected discoveries. In situations where the male is exhausted or overstimulated—having spent time in an enclosed space with noisy children, for example, or when facing a kitchen full of dinner detritus—it has been the conventional order of things for the man to rest while the female, of innately greater endurance, forges ahead. It turns out that this arrangement is not mutually agreeable!
My research has found that women, too, can become overstimulated and are not seeking out messes to clean for the mere satisfaction of doing so. When asked, then, why women don’t simply take a nap at that point as well, my sample group responded, “It has to get done.” However, it appears that the female response to such stimuli is, in fact, more complex than the male’s. For when the male does step in to take over these tasks, she is still unlikely to go take the rest that she actually needs. Fascinating.
3. Footie pajamas. Need I say more?
4. Amongst the male community, it has long been understood that men are reasoning creatures with occasional emotions, while women are emotional beings that are occasionally reasonable. However, my findings blow this paradigm apart. It appears that emotions in women, as with men, come in response to specific needs or experiences.
Case in point: If a wife, upon arriving home from work, seems irritable and entirely unenthusiastic about the DIY project her husband has just discovered on Pinterest, this does not mean that she dislikes homemade nesting dolls or DIY projects in general. The irritability is not simply a state of being, but is a signal: it might mean that she had a stressful day at work, or that she is tired, or that she is trying to remember something and wishes he would move the laptop out of her way. This has extraordinary potential for practical application, since, by simply using the scientific method, a man can discover the stimulus causing the negative emotion and help to relieve it. Upon doing so, they can happily enjoy exploring decorative woodcraft together. (For clarity, the preceding has been a purely hypothetical example. I do not use Pinterest or engage in any kind of whittling-based hobby.)
5. Contrary to yet another piece of popular wisdom, it is actually quite easy to make a woman happy. When a man vacuums the floor, for example, it inspires a degree of happiness in the woman that is entirely out of proportion with the actual amount of time and effort required. Something as simple as maintaining skin contact during a drive evinces a similarly positive reaction. I hope, during the continuation of my study, to test the effects of many such small happiness triggers over an extended period of time. Is there a limit to how much joy can be provoked? Only time will tell.
For now, I return back under cover to continue my research. Who knows what mind-boggling secrets may yet be uncovered!
In the name of scientific advancement, I welcome your questions and requests for research on a particular topic, and I will add them to my study.
Until then… adieu.