When I got home tonight, I tried to set my purse and things on the kitchen counter, but instead of any grace or decorum, empty water bottles scattered everywhere. I almost cried, and I would have excepting I knew I would tattle on myself blogging, so I pretended I was tough. This was how my evening was, like empty water bottles flying everywhere, just so there is one more thing for me to chase down and pick up.
Here is my list of things that are NOT awesome…
Seeing the gorgeous sunshine day from an office window instead of from the river.
But you have a marvelous office window, and spent the evening driving from house to house
So you still got to experience the sunshine, even if little moments.
Little moments are the rays of hope.
Getting home from work at 9pm.
But you have a house to come home to, and you worked hard for that house.
And you are working hard so you can have the weekend off.
And there are puppies to greet you, and they make you laugh.
Spending money on things like toilet paper.
Toilet paper is better than leaves. Just saying.
Realizing you are paying more than $3 for gas.
At least you are able to pay it.
Transportation is so easy here, so accessible, and you try hard to be careful and organized with all the driving your job requires.
Realizing you are old enough to remember pay 85 cents for gas when you got your license.
Your age is starting to show, with wrinkles on your face and grey hairs peeking through.
You earned these wrinkles, in the tears of youth.
Each grey hair is a mark of survival, a scar of wisdom you will wear proudly.
Having hair that looks like a poodle.
Poodle hair beats no hair, and is better than chia pet hair.
The Year of Ugly is nearly complete, and in the warmth of the sun you feel your sackcloth and ashes melt away like seeds of the new beginnings now unfolding.
Catching the real poodle chewing up the carpet.
It isn’t his fault, not really. Maybe puppies will be better behaved if you learn that days are for play, not only work, and that nights are for rest, not only sleep. Puppies are a protective factor against the children that would have been otherwise neglected. Learn to take care of you, and you will learn to take care of puppies. Learn to take care of puppies, and you will learn to love.
The bottom falling out of your grocery sack.
Such a symbol of doing too much, carrying too much, of not asking for help.
Slow down. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Ask for help.
Missing your friends.
Missing them means you love them, no matter how independent and tough you pretend to be.
Your heart is soft because friendship is valuable.
Treasure it. Find them. Love them.
You are not destroying others lives or distracting from your own, and you have seen the miracles created from this non-destruction, from this loving a life enough not to ruin it. It has been worth it to do things differently. This is good, and as it should be. You needed time alone. You needed time to heal. You needed time to be. You needed time to become.
Having a job full of terrible secrets you aren’t allowed to tell anyone.
You love your job, and you know better than to hang on to the negative aspects of it. Go run, go play, go dance. Sing it away, pray it away, dig in the soil until it is all buried and new life is cropping up.
Spending all day everyday watching other people self-destruct.
Most people are doing the best they can with what they know. Learn from them, and let them learn from you. They have the right to agency, just as much as you do, and it is learning to exercise agency appropriately that will lead them to truth and healing, just as it did for you.
Grief hurts because there is meaning. The tears of grief are warm.
All things physical are also spiritual. Letting stuff eat away at you destroys who you are. Let it go, forgive, and love. Choose peace.
And THAT is why I write, and why I blog.
I think maybe I should quit asking questions that I don’t want the answers to!
That is what I learned on this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that was kind of awesome after all.